based upon a night of monkey business with Melanie Ferris and Kevin Rossi.


In the past few years, the steady diet of two minute miracles around these parts has consisted mainly of tunes penned by Rob Crow (Thingy; Heavy Vegetable, et al.). Little did I know that there was a songster geographically closer to me who penned songs just as smart and loveable (albeit less frantic) as Monsier Crow. This songster is well-known by Ontario music lovers all over (he runs the infamous House of Miracles studio), and his name is J. Andrew Magoffin. Or if you owned a six-sided eraser shaped as a dice when you were in grade three and your dad sells cars, you may affectionately know this songster as "Andy McMuffin".

While Andy is not recording every other Ontario band that doesn't suck, he's playing in his band, the aptly named Two Minute Miracles. Interesting thing about the band is that, according to Teenage USA's website, they "are not technically a band". Rather, the songs created by Andy and his friends are the real two minute miracles, and "the band adopted the (first) album's title by default". I recently sat down with Andy and his fellow musicians, Clayton Corneil (bass), and Aaron Curtin (drums). Mike Christoff (piano) and John Higney (banjo/guitar/other) had better things to do.

It wasn't clear what was to be expected from Magoffin and company. Speaking to By Divine Right's frontman Jos Conteras (who also happens to play on the band's second album, "Volume II") the night before the interview, I was informed that the members of Two Minute Miracles are "slightly deranged". What does it all mean, I asked? Would Andy's statement, "I'm the only one who's got good shit to say," make his deranged? Or does the fact that he remembers a trip to Quebec city in grade eight (he's 26) make him deranged? What does deranged really mean, anyways? According to Webster's Dictionary (1986 edition), deranged means "disordered, insane".

Perhaps Andy was only deranged for a specified period of time, specifically, the time between grade 11 and today. That was the time when "I discovered aerosol spray", explains Andy. Was there a specific brand? "Pam," Clayton clears any confusion away.

Besides his love for aerosal spray, Andy appeared pretty sane. So why would the By Divine Right boy say such a thing? "He's a bum!" Andy proclaims. Kevin asks, "but isn't it true that you do have love for all members of By Divine Right, male and female?" Andy explains, "No, I don't love The Dil," Andy goes onto explain the true reason why Jos is spreading rumours about him, "Because I wouldn't sleep with him. We went through this whole thing where he was coming down to my place and recording for days and days at a time. He got tired of sleeping on the couch, right? And he wanted to come and sleep in my bed, and he made all these crazy remarks about trying to weed out where on the sexuality scale I was." Did somebody mention Andy's sexuality? Wait, Andy's disposition is clearly laid out in the lyrics below.

So is his sexuality black and white? "Well, my sexuality has nothing to do with the level of incest in London," Andy interjects. "Unfortunately," Clay says.
What is this talk about incest and London?
The band's drummer Aaron recounts the worst thing he did for money, which was "catch(ing) turkeys...they were tyrannosauras rexes. They were huge...white." I wonder out loud, "Did they have those big things hanging down?" Aaron's answer is in the affirmative, and Clayton adds,
"Scrotums hanging down from their necks." What is the point of a scrotum on a neck? "That's where they innoculate them," Aaron explains. At this point, Andy gobbles out loud. Deranged? Perhaps. "Did you gobble to them?" I must know the answer. "No, but actually they're terrified of garbage bags," Aaron says.
The issue of incestuousness arises from the turkey story, when Clayton tells us that the worst thing he did for money was chopping the turkeys that Aaron caught in garbage bags.
But just because one guy caught the turkeys and the other guy cut them up, it doesn't mean that London is an awfully incestuous place. In fact, "there's so many university and college girls there that that would never happen," Aaron says.
But isn't London a small old folks town? Andy ponders, "It seems like the place to go when your kids have grown up and gone to the big city". But, "it's good...I might skip a grade and go straight to New York. Actually, I probably won't. I like London. I've got no intention of leaving," says Andy.

Andy likes London. Could his enjoyment of the city result from the "big fish, small pond" syndrome which runs so rampant in small Canadian cities? "Oooooh," Andy says. Off in the distance, a voice I'll attribute to Clay says, "Get all the accolades you need there."

Andy acknowledges the assertion, "Good question. Uh, somebody I know runs a live music club there and has all the-nevermind."

The boy who calls his home the "House of Miracles" successfully evades the question. Try something different. Kevin wonders if the House of Miracles is anything like Fantasy Island. Andy responds excitedly, "Oh, that's exactly what it is.wow, yeah. The house of miracles is, say, let's say you've been on the family vacaction and you went to Washington D.C. to see the Washington monument and the Lincoln Memorial and the big pond and then you went to Boston and Cape Cod because it was a family vacation and you spent all these hours and hours in the car with the kids and they were screaming and it was this completely trying process but you went through it because that's what you had to do to take the family vacation. Well, the House of Miracles is a trip to the cottage without the kids, and it's completely painless, and all the good things that a vacation should be are found at the House of Miracles".

Okay, so it's a great place to go, even though there are no aromatherapy candles. But do fantasies come true there? Clayton explains, "Fantasies come true, I think people walk through the door with fantasies of making music, and they make that music and it sounds good and that's their fantasy come true. I would say it's true." Andy elaborates, "I would say that the whole idea of recording an album is not a stressful thing anymore. Nothing gets dwelt on or obsessed over, it's like, let's make a fucking party album, let's do it! Let's hang out, drink beer, sit on the porch....I've got a cool roommate, I've got a microwave...I've got good smells, there's a bakery, there's fast-food all over the place. And there's a coffin store right next doorwell, coffin store closed down". And who is allowed to visit? Andy laughs, "Anyone who's not a jerk. Now that it's gotta support itself, I'm just doing everything I can get my hands on to keep it afloat.it's getting to the point where I kinda wanna pick and choose and...it's hard on your soul when you get stuck in a project that you're just not into".

One of the projects recently recorded at the House of Miracles which I am personally "into" is the "Two Minute Miracles-Volume II" (see the gushing review of it in the Music Reviews section). The album will be released at the end of August 2001 on Toronto's Teenage USA label. Go out and buy this album to keep your soul alive and happy.
Text by melanie. August 2001.

Selected Tidbits

Clay: Yeah, you get to a point where you start realizing that other people are take up a lot of time, so, no, not in a bad way, it's not like I'm a dickhole. You've only got so time in a day and you've got stuff you've gotta do.


Andy: Too old, well, there's a number of people in the scene that I frequent that are too old to do the alternative-rock thing that they really want to do and they wish they had gotten onto in 1991.
Mel: Too old on your-
Andy: Too old to be marketable. They're too old to be famous like they want to be.
Mel: Okay, what about Treble Charger? Are they not too old?
Andy: Treble Charger were lucky because they got in early, made the right connections, and they've been rock stars in their own mind forever.
Clay: Yeah.
Mel: But they're old. They've always been old.
Andy: Well, anyone who's a little older than you-
Clay: But anyone, it's very rare than anyone younger than us are successful.


Mel: Did you ever get to try one of those coffins?
Andy: No. But there was one called the Ambassador.
Mel: There was a coffin called The Ambassador? What did it look like?
Andy: It was big and it was posh with polished wood like mahogany or something, it was shiny and there was a cat sleeping on top of it.
Mel: A black cat?
Kevin: A real cat?
Andy: No, they have cats that live in the building.
Mel: (to clay) Did you see The Ambassador?
Clay: No, uh, maybe, without knowing it. I saw the coffins, yeah.
Mel: Do you know how much it cost? Did they have price tags on the coffins or did you have to inquire about the price?
Andy: Probably an arm and a leg.
<ba da dum.>

Mel: Do you have a short attention span?
Andy: A short attention span?....What was the question? (laughs) sorry.


Clay: We need more beer, what are you guys talkin' about?


Mel: Are you on tour right now?
Andy: Yes, it's a rock show tour, it happens over three days. Next question.
Mel: Are you guys gonna play the Fantastic festival this year?
Andy: Yes.
Mel: I think it's about October 3rd or somewhere around there.
Clay: We were supposed to play that last year on October 28th.
Andy: What bands do you guys like to listen to?
Clay: She likes Weezer.
Mel: That's really mainstream though. What do we like?
Andy: We like obscure.
Mel: I like Elliot Smith.
Aaron: Elliot Smith is a tough tough man.
Mel: But he's not that good live.
Andy: Nobody is, it's a fallacy being good live.